How To “Get Back” When You Lose Yourself
I have no clue who I was before 2016. Not only are those years as clear as they are foggy, but I genuinely feel as though I’m living in another body that came pre-packaged with another consciousness.
This revelation has not only brought shame into my realm of emotions, but I’ve also dealt with the highest degree of imposter syndrome that exists.
I began avoiding things I used to love and forcing every self-help combination of coddling and reflection that could bring me back to what I knew. Bring me back to the Makayla that most people were both familiar and proud of—before 2016 struck like a lightning bolt.
No matter how hard we try to default an onset of events, there is always a time when we “lose ourselves” as human beings. These months, years, and decades are as unique as our fingerprints and as universal as the need to breathe.
With that said, I wanted this post to be a bit different than your typical “how-to” piece of encouragement with bullet points and humorous GIFs.
I want to share why you shouldn’t get back to where you were because who you were probably wasn’t resilient enough to outlast the revolution that is all things “growth.”
If pre-2016 Makayla were as profound as I thought she was, she would’ve never left. She would still be me, present-day Makayla would be her, and we would be living in a utopia of our decisions from the past two decades.
The sad truth is that I lost who I thought I was and fought, to the death of my ego, to try and win her back.
I thought I deserved who I was because I was praised for being so “put together” and victorious in most of my endeavors. Everyone swore that I was above my peers in a devastating way to my superego and claimed I would only go “up” from wherever the heck I was at the moment.
Sorry folks, that girl crashed and burned.
She gained weight after being diagnosed with PCOS. Her confidence shattered. She cut off 90% of her gorgeous (permanently-damaged) hair. She stopped dating (even flirting at all, for some time). She even went through your quintessential Junior Year Depressive Episode in college.
My metamorphosis into who I am now was ugly and almost a sin to witness. Everything that had the power to break me swung around the corner too fast and too furious for my level of understanding.
Long story short, I had a horrible year that bled into the next. I allowed the negativity to alter my mindset from “you can” to “how could you.”
I’m sure this is the “same story on a different day” for those who identify with my unique series of events. You may be in the middle, or start/finish, of some catastrophic “caterpillar to butterfly” situation that leaves you more disappointed than inspired.
Believe me; I never thought this is how my wings would look, but who’s to say I knew how they should look in the first place?
Why is it even necessary to “get back” to where we once were? Where is the science behind disliking who you’ve become enough to BACKTRACK to someone who doesn’t have the same amount of knowledge and experience as you do now?
I know many find themselves in a place they disagree with physically or morally, but that doesn’t mean we need to search for our past to solve our future. There isn’t a thing that stands behind you that can see what you see ahead.
Don’t seek what is already finished. Seek what hasn’t been written.
I am not entirely enamored with the kind of “butterfly” I turned out to be. I thought I would “glow up” as social media claims should happen around my age when my thick thighs steal the show and my selfies bring all the men (not boys) to the yard.
I had an image of everything that I would be at 23 and soon realized that I was further from that image than I ever thought was possible.
Now, although those thoughts linger from time-to-time, I know that my image was skewed. I’m not sure where I researched a guide on “how to glow up,” but it was all wrong.
There isn’t a book or social profile that could help me define who I was supposed to become, and I am out of line for simply SUGGESTING that who I am is not who I was going to be all along.
There is no reason to go back to who you were because who you can become is imminent. There is bound to be a hurdle or two in your path, but your future self is generously undefined—just as long as you allow yourself to be.
Stop trying to make up a physical and spiritual outline for the sake of calming your spirit.
Set goals for WHERE you want to be. Strive to create habits that align with HOW you want to be, but never attempt to define who you SHOULD be.
Set goals for WHERE you want to be. Strive to create habits that align with HOW you want to be, but never attempt to define who you SHOULD be. Share on X
Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with not recognizing who you’ve become. There shouldn’t have been an outline of yourself, from years past, to begin with.
As long as you have goals and positive (healthy) intentions, you are on the right track no matter how the halfway point looks (because there never should be an “end result” in this game called “life”).
I hope this post was both easy to follow and fulfilling to consume.
Full disclosure, I wrote this as a “stream of consciousness” in 30 minutes and couldn’t be more proud of how it unfolded.
Someone out there needs to read this twice, three times maybe, to dissolve every blueprint they set for their future 20, 30, 40, and 50-year-old self.
If you enjoyed this post, be sure to share it with your friends to spread the love and comment below your thoughts on this subject. I would also love to hear from you on social media @themakaylalynn to continue the conversation.
After a long unplanned hiatus, the time has come for me to start sending bi-weekly newsletters, now that I feel settled and in-tune with my current situation. If you aren’t subscribed, join the family by clicking here.
That’s all for now. As always, Live (and settle into YOU) Intentionally,
